Setting boundaries is about drawing a clear line that protects your mental and emotional space, ensuring you have a say in how you are treated and what you will accept. It is not about controlling others, but about honoring your own needs and creating a safe “no-go zone” for your well-being. By learning to say “no” or stepping away from harmful situations, you begin to reclaim your personal power and build a life rooted in self-respect.
Inner Sanctuary
The first layer of boundaries is the sanctuary of your mind. Family violence often works like a slow tide, attempting to wash away your sense of reality through gaslighting and constant manipulation. Establishing a boundary here is about building a powerful internal sea wall against a storm of false narratives. It is a fierce act of reclaiming your own intuition and deciding that your truth is the only one that matters.
By creating this internal space, you learn to hear the abuser’s voice as mere external noise rather than your own internal truth. This is how you protect your spark—that quiet, central part of who you are that no one else has the right to touch. Even when the world outside feels chaotic and heavy, this boundary ensures that your light stays lit, keeping your self-worth safe and unextinguished.
Physical Freedom
The second layer of protection is the Boundary of Physical Freedom. While the home may feel like it belongs to the abuser, this boundary is about quietly reclaiming your right to move, act, and plan for your future. It starts with the understanding that your physical space and the resources you need—like your ID, money, and keys—are yours to protect. By using your Inner Sanctuary to stay focused and calm, you can begin the secret, vital work of gathering what you need to eventually step beyond the abuser’s reach.
When you begin to organize your “essentials” and plan for a safer space, you are making a powerful declaration: your future is your own. This isn’t just about moving houses; it’s about reclaiming your autonomy and ensuring that your path forward can no longer be blocked or controlled. Taking these practical steps is a way of saying that your safety, and the safety of your children, is a non-negotiable right that you are now actively defending.
Chosen Circle
The third and most life-changing boundary is your Circle of Connection. It is the gate you build to decide who is allowed into your life as a Safe Person or Protector. Abuse often thrives on isolation, as the abuser tries to cut you off from the people who keep you strong. Reclaiming this boundary means being intentional about who you let in and who you keep out.
It is time to “block the salt”—distancing yourself from those who make excuses for the violence—while opening your heart to those who offer true safety and support. By setting a “code of conduct” for who gets to be near your energy, you stop being a target and start becoming the Queen of your own space. You are building a new, fortified home for your spirit where peace is the only invited guest, and where you are surrounded by people who honor and protect your light.
Natural Rhythm
The fourth boundary, establishing a Natural Rhythm is a vital act of self-defense. In a home filled with tension, an abuser may try to use chaos, sleep deprivation, or constant demands to leave you exhausted and easier to control. By fiercely guarding your own time, your rest, and your quiet moments of self-care, you ensure that your energy belongs to you—not to the person trying to drain it.
This Body Clock Shield acts as a protective layer for your mind and spirit. When you protect your sleep and your rituals, you are keeping your “internal battery” charged. This energy is exactly what you need to think clearly, trust your intuition, and carry out your plans for a safer future. Maintaining your own rhythm is a way of saying that your body is your own, and its need for peace is non-negotiable.
Reconnecting
The fifth vital boundary is your Line of Strength—your connection to your whakapapa or your lineage. Abuse often tries to cut you off from your roots, making you feel as though your entire story is defined by the present trauma. Reclaiming this boundary means refusing to let the violence poison your heritage; it is the act of anchoring yourself in the power and resilience of the ancestors who came before you.
By defining yourself as a continuation of a long line of life-givers and survivors, you create a boundary of Time and Truth that the abuser cannot cross. You are not just a person in a difficult situation; you are a guardian of a legacy that began long ago and will continue long after this chapter is over. This connection gives you a foundation that is deeper and stronger than any temporary storm, reminding you that strength is in your blood.
Strategic Silence
The final and most powerful boundary is the Circle of Silence. In a home where words are often weaponized, your honesty can be turned against you. This boundary is about learning the strength of “strategic privacy”—choosing exactly what to share and what to keep safely hidden in your own mind. It is an act of reclaiming control over your personal truth.
By guarding your feelings, your plans, and your inner light, you ensure that no one can use your vulnerability to dim your power. This isn’t about being “deceptive”; it is about being a wise protector of your own path. Keeping your plans for the future between yourself and your trusted support system ensures that your road to freedom remains clear and unobstructed, far away from the reach of the perpetrator.
Staying Safe and Sane 