Safety Planning

Good solid safety planning is needed when you are dealing with risk of harm to yourself and/or your family. The overall goals of a safety plan include reducing the physical and emotional impact of violence, restoring agency, stabilizing the environment and acknowledging your worth.

Start here

Identify the safe zones in your home, where you can go if an incident begins. Pick a room with a lock and a window, or one with an exit. Avoid the hard spaces such as the kitchen (knives), bathrooms (hard surfaces/no exits) or small closets where you can be trapped.
Keep all windows and doors locked 24/7.
Identify the red flags, the tides of behavior that lead to an explosion.
Trust your intuitions. If your intuition says move, then MOVE. Do not wait for proof that things are getting dangerous.
If the other person offers harm and/or violence, call Police on 111 immediately.
Keep your phone on your person at all times and make sure it is always charged.
Create an exit plan out of your home and practice it when you can.
Have someone serve the abusive person trespass orders so they cannot come to the property. Once the abusive person receives the trespass order it exists. Even if they throw it on the ground. If they breach the trespass orders and do come back, then call Police on 111 and report them every time. This will start showing a ‘pattern of behavior’ and will be forever listed in the Police database.
Stop all communications with the other person as they do not respect you. This will force them to learn that you will not enable their behaviors. In other words, you are ‘taking your power back’
Keep a small bag hidden (at a friend’s home or at work) that contains all your identifications, passports, birth certificates, ID cards, cash, extra keys, bank account information, prescriptions, insurance papers and any existing protection and parenting orders.
Establish a code word or phrase with a friend or neighbor. If you text them ‘Lasagna sounds good’ or ‘I love Mickey Mouse’ they know to call the Police immediately.
Identify your plan to a friend or neighbor that says exactly where you are going the moment you leave and what time you will plan to arrive and check in once you have made it and are safe.
Use private browsing, change passwords frequently, turn off GPS/Location services on all the phones. If possible, keep a cheap prepaid phone hidden for emergency calls.

Separating

When preparing to separate the other person will escalate once they find out. As they have had the power and control over you for a while they need to believe they still have it. Once they lose this, they then focus on how to get you back. They will cut the finances first, the children second, and the assets third.
Focus on finances first followed by the children and assets. Finances first as the other party will cut you off as soon as they know what you are doing. Set up another bank account and move money over. You can do this little by little or all at once. Use your knowledge of the other person to guide you. Also change all pin numbers and passwords.
Contact a family lawyer if you have children and/or assets and ask for legal advice so you know what your rights are.
Do not trust anybody with any information as the other person will look for clues.
If you take the children and they threaten to call the Police, let them. Police will not remove any children with no legal orders to follow. But remember this is the same for you. If the abuser takes the children, then the Police cannot get them back off him if he is the father unless there are active parenting orders in place.
You do not have to hand over the children if there are no legal orders in place and vice versa. The other person also does not have to hand the children over if there are no legal orders in place. You do not have to tell them where you are living, nor do you have to let them into your home.
Have a third person to deal with all communications, handovers and anything else to do with children.
The only time you should need contact to happen is if it involves the children.

Staying Put

If you choose to stay with the other person you have to avoid all conflict within the home to stay safe from harm and/or violence.
Pack an emergency bag with a couple of changes of clothing, medication, spare sets of keys, identification and money. Keep this bag in the boot of your car, at your workplace or at a family/friend’s home for emergencies.
Talk to your neighbors and ask them to call the Police if they ever hear any abuse. You can also ask them to call Police if they ever see a particular item you can place in your window (e.g., teddy bear, mug).
Have a safe person and organize a safe word. If you text them that safe word, then they know to call Police immediately (e.g., lasagna, Mickey Mouse).

Children

When harm and/or violence is present in the home, your children are experiencing, witnessing, and feeling the abuse. This includes all ages of children and even when they are in your puku (stomach). They know.
If you are struggling to leave the other person because you want to keep the family together, this is not o.k.
Just ask yourself, what is the best thing to do for the children?
Teach your children not to answer the door or answer phone calls, text messages, social media posts. Ask them to show you any communications from the abuser or from strangers.
All children need a safe person that they trust. A safe person is there for the child to reach out to. This person needs to be agreed upon by the child. This person needs to keep the communication confidential unless harm to the child is disclosed. If this happens, the safe person needs to contact the Police on 111 immediately. Each child has to have a different safe person if this is possible.